April Fool’s Release 2025

hopeless (romantic)

TRACKLIST

click for lyrics

hold on till…


he touched me like he wanted me, like he listens when i speak
he knows what kind of kisses make me fucking weak

i’m sick of sitting in my room, stuck trying to find the words to say
wondering if it will always be this way

cut the cameras— there’s no one worth watching anyway

so tell me, could you see an eternity
where the stage is set and you play your part

wishing, hoping, wanting

saying one day it will all be worth something

something.

something.
something.

hold on to hope with this ache in your chest
finding your way, but there’s nothing left

hold on to hope with this ache in your chest
finding your way, till there’s nothing left.

love is a choice


love is a choice that comes naturally
and never is a promise that should be easy to keep
yet pink swears turn to pretty lies
and i feel crazy

i just had to lose my mind
before i could finally find it
and friends like lovers come and go
and so far this is all i know

if my body is a temple, i’ll adorn the walls with art and poetry

everything it means to me— it makes me happy

love is a choice that comes naturally
and never is a promise that should be easy to keep
and pinky swears turn to pretty lies
and i just had to lose my mind

so what is there left to say
when everything else goes away

and i don’t think i have to choose
cause i don’t have anything left to lose

so here i go headfirst over heels again
and this time it feels different

and i just want to be okay

i just want the pain to go away

it’s fine
it’s fine
he said he loves me
he said he loves me so it’s fine
it’s fine, totally fine
this is what love feels like

this is what love feels like

and i can’t write a love song to save my life
and everything looks better when it’s under a knife
and i just want to feel okay for a while
maybe suicide has gone out of style

love is a choice

love is a choice
pinky swears to pretty lies—

outta style.

rain (part 2)


let the guilt sing me to sleep
like a lullaby, quiet and calm
before the storm breaks the silence

i know— tracing patterns of the rain on your window
soothing sounds as salt water waves wash away the sins of your savior

you don’t even see the danger

what lurks in the shadows and swims in the depths
thunder that mimics your heartbeat against your chest

i still taste the copper on my tongue
burning like smoke in my lungs
losing myself to the pattern of the rain

to the patterns of the rain.

go away


i don’t want to have to have a body
i don’t want to have to have a soul
i don’t want to wake up in the morning just to play another role

there’s a disconnect inside this body, inside this home
and i don’t know any other way to make myself feel whole

and i could write a thousand lies
and i could say it a thousand times

but it doesn’t make a difference

and i don’t really care if you listen

cause i don’t want to have to say these words
just to make myself feel okay

i don’t want to have to sing these songs
just to make the hurt go away

go away
go away
go away

just to make the hurt go away

go away
go away
go away

just to make the hurt go away

go away
go away
go away

just to make the—

i could find my answers in a pill or in a powder
just to make the silence louder

i could find my answers in a warm embrace
as the tears stream down my face

either way it’s perfectly poetic, it’s perfectly pessimistic

either way i still feel like shit
and, either way, i don’t want— i don’t want it

go away, go away, go away
just to make the hurt go away

go away, go away, go away
just to make it go away, go away

just to make the hurt go—

go away
go away
go away

just to make the hurt go away

go away
go away
go away

just to make the hurt go away.

ellen’s song


anything, hear my call
come to me

tu…

i’m making deals with deities
i’m asking god please
won’t you save me from this life

i’m dreaming of demons again
but you don’t believe me
you say it’s nothing more than a fantasy

a malady of the mind, but it feels so sublime
i’ve never been so happy

please, baby, lie to me

can you see the black tears falling
can you feel the blood coursing through your veins

it will never feel the same

i’m nothing more than an appetite, a hunger, a lust
just a shadow in the night

come now pray, don’t you put up a fight

it feels so sublime, this malady of the mind
i’ve never been so happy

please, baby, kill me sweetly

i’m making deals with deities
i’m asking god please
won’t you save me from this life

i’m dreaming of demons again
but you don’t believe me

i’ve never been so happy

please, baby, kill me sweetly

…the end


she said,

load the gun and put it in my hand
let me pull the trigger while i can

before, i think too much
before, i scare myself
before, there’s nothing left to tell

how long have you been waiting
hiding the bullets in our love
every day is like roulette
crossing fingers, ready, set
whispered prayers, not yet
i brace myself for every breath
not yet, not yet

there’s something to be said
about how things come to an end

i brace myself for every breath
before, things come to an end

my heart’s stuck on repeat
singing the same sad song for weeks

load the gun and put it in my hand

let me pull the trigger

while i can

before i—

before i—

before—

things come to an end.

voicemail (epilogue)


i wear my heart on my sleeve or more like my wrist

you see

the scars start to fade, cover them in red ink and poetry

and it still reminds me of all i’ve been through

of all that i’ve seen

of all that we’ve been through

and i could tell you that it get’s better
but i don’t really know when that’s coming, or if it’s coming at all

and i could tell you that it get’s easier
or at least you get better at dealing with the bullshit

i think that’s gotta be enough for me

i think that’s gotta be enough for me

and i… i… i— i— i want to be better

i want to be better

i want to be better

but i don’t know if it’s getting worse

before

it, it gets better.

©
XOTHISGIRLISACURSE
april 1, 2025

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